Where are you supposed to be at age 22? I feel young. I understand that age is a number, but surely there is some sort of guide. I'm so lost with where I should be at. I have a degree but haven't got a real job. Or a haircut.

I'm not saying i'm not grateful for the chance to have this problem. I feel blessed that I can sit here and have a choice about who i'm going to be in 5 years time. I could train and become a teacher (likely). I could become a busker and roam around like a random (less likely). I could surprise everyone by uncovering statistical abilities that I never knew I had, and become a... well whatever it is that people with mathematical abilities do (supremely unlikely).

Or I could nest. NOM NOM NOM BABIES. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Nevertheless, the choice is there. And it's ridiculously scary. To be told that you can be who you want to be, and have the job that makes you happy sounds too good to be true. And for me, it kind of is. I feel like there are so many possibilites out there, how can I just pick one? How will I know that I should be a teacher? Because a taxi driver told me I "seem like i'd be good with kids?" (true story by the way). Maybe because I like the sound of my own voice....

At what point do you have to bite the bullet and accept that no job ticks all the boxes.

It will give you some money.
You will have the quality of life that you wanted.
You will be good at it.
You will meet some nice people.

So just begin already? I heard/read somewhere that we will have 2 careers in our lives, so why should I be putting so much pressure on myself to get it right straight away.

I guess when I get to my career I will be good at it. I will have beaten around so many bushes and looked under every freaking stone there is, and I will be content in where I am.

Nobody said it would be easy. They said it would be worth it.

Because i've been a bit moody lately, i've been thrashing my ipod more than usual. I thought I would share some music that has really been making me tick, and maybe ask for some recommendations?

The other night I was lucky enough to attend Amanda Palmer's gig at the Sydney Opera House. I had heard a few of her songs via the Dresden Dolls, but none of her solo stuff. My sister is insanely obsessed, which meant I was wary about getting my hopes up.

She was sensational! Her lyrics were amazing and she did a moving cover of Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" which made me cry. She had just the right amount of audience interaction and performance, which is a hard balance to achieve. I would recommend checking her out if you are up for something new. I like "Missed Me" and "Coin Operated Boy."

The other singer/band I am playing non stop right now is Florence and the Machines. My god that woman is phenomenal. I guarantee there is a song that will resonate with you, and will stick in your head til you have to know every lyric. Try "Drumming Song".

I am having such an amazing time discovering Australian artists. (Having said that Amanda Palmer is from America and Florence is from England..... awkward). Turns out there is more over here than Silverchair and John Farnham, who knew? If anyone is in Sydney you need to check out my friend and her ridiculously talented "Lady sings it better." Do it. Midnight Oil's "Beds are Burning" is my fave.

I love the empathy that comes with hearing a song and feeling like maybe you're not a crazy... that someone else feels the same as you, and can put words to your emotions.

Albeit a little more eloquently.

I really don't do enough of the things that I like.

When people ask me "Hey what are your interests? What makes you happy?" I would have to say acting, singing, writing, horse riding, being out at night under stars or fairy lights, going to the beach, travelling, talking to my loved ones.

I don't do any of these NEARLY enough. But what is ridiculous to me, is how necessary these things are to my happiness. I forget about them, and put them to the side because i'm "too busy." And then I get unhappy and can't put my finger on why.

It's so simple. I need to do the things that make me smile, and give me energy. Let's take the two simplest ones on my list. I live in fucking Australia, and i've been to the beach a handful of times since i've been here. I have skype and facebook and all the technology the 21st century has to offer. Yet I still don't know how my friend is going with her first year at uni, juggling a 6 month old and a job.

I don't know if some of my closest friends are happy, or what they are doing this weekend.

It's hard when you're sad or stressed, and you have no happy place to go to; no fresh memories to recall.

On that note I think i'll go out and look at fairy lights and the stars. HAPPY TIMES.

Kia Ora

Most of my friends have some kind of cathartic outlet and I WANT IN.

Nic has commented that I should start a blog because I sustain ridiculous injuries. I guess that will be a component of this... I guess I need *something* for entertainment value?

I think that my biggest problem is that I don't believe anyone actually wants to hear or read about my life. This causes some issues with keeping in contact with friends and family, and has made me think about who i'm actually sharing my life with.

Maybe I should start at the top? Heavy hitting first, no?

What's on my mind at the moment is who I am in my community. I've been living in Newtown for over 6 months now, and when I moved here I considered myself straight with a few kinks. What that means is that I have always known that I found women attractive, but never thought about how a relationship might work. I considered that I wanted to kiss them... but that it would never eventuate into something serious.

Why?

Ummmm. Because I hadn't found anyone who made me take women seriously? Because there is a *tiny* gay community in New Zealand? Because that's scary? Because I was confused as to how much my sister's sexuality influenced what I found acceptable?

So where does that leave me? In Newtown surrounded by a veritable smorgasbord of every kind of lesbian there is. NOM NOM NOM. Culture shock? What about sexuality shock!

So then Tess the straight girl stepped out on the scene (soz Newtown). I meet lots of girls who I think are hotness. But when i'm asked what my orientation is, i've been advised to say "queer" because there's such a bias against the bisexuals. Now i'm not saying that it isn't deserved, but I do feel that puts me in a box. When I say i'm straight people roll their eyes now (courtesy of some pretty shockingly obvious scoping at the sly). But how can I claim i'm a lesbian? I'm not. So I find myself in a grey area.

As the mighty Will Ferrell says in Blades of Glory-

"What does that even mean?"
"Nobody knows... but it's provocative!"

And that's really how I feel.

It's really hard to describe how I feel about my sexuality... but I definitely feel since moving to Sydney I have been forced to think about what I want.

And you didn't think I could get a Will Ferrell quote in there. Shame on you.